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For New Years, Dietitian Recommends Going Keto for 30 Days and then Binging on Klondike Bars

It’s that time again. Time to show remorse for all that good food eaten over the holidays. Registered Dietitian, Susana Ritchey explains how to create resolutions for a healthy New Year. See the full video below, or keep reading for a recap.

“Many nutrition experts recommend things like eating more fruits and vegetables and making small consistent changes. Unfortunately, we know that those experts have sold their souls to Big Pharma, the FDA, and the Soybean Industry, so I stay away from that kind of advice.” Ritchey explains that many people with formal education in nutrition have been brainwashed by the same villains that created the food pyramid.

“Instead of listening to these quacks, I recommend reputable sources like Pinterest and Dr. Oz.” Ritchey goes on to provide her top ten resolutions for a healthy new year.

1. Cut out gluten. And don’t forget to tell everyone about it.

2. Jump into excessive cardio and make sure to post your stories all over Instagram. Everyone is dying to know how long you killed it on the Peloton.

3. Stop eating all vegetables from the nightshade family. That eggplant is probably the reason your liver has been so congested.

4. Go keto.

5. Go on a celery juice cleanse. You may just lose 17 lbs in 1 month.

6. Try the One Meal a Day diet. That starving feeling you get before and after that one meal? That means it’s working.

7. Drink skinny tea. Don’t worry about the diarrhea. It’s a small price to pay for a Hot Girl Summer.

8. Coffee enemas. Really any beverage will do- coffee, green tea, coconut water, kombucha, kefir, alkaline water.

9. Drink a cup of hot water with lemon and cayenne right when you wake up. But make sure the water is alkaline. That lemon and alkaline water should balance out nicely.

10. Tell your friends about your diet and encourage them to try it. Everyone enjoys unsolicited diet advice.

Ritchey says her own goal will be to eat salads all week in order to save room for 4 margaritas on Saturday nights.

“If I order the dressing on the side, I can sometimes get a 5th margarita.”

Although there has been some speculation that genetics may play a role in Ritchey's fast metabolism, Ritchey denies this claim and assures our journalists that it's the celery juice.

*Please note: all content in this post and video is satire. Please do not take this as nutrition advice or make these your new years resolutions.

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